What Is Gaslighting in Relationships?

The word gaslighting is a very popular word that almost everyone knows, but as popular as the word is, not everyone understands what it truly means or why the term is used mostly in relationship talks, to simply define this term, gaslighting is a form of manipulative tactic usually used to change the dynamics of power in a healthy relationship that results in one person taking total and complete control over the other.

As this word can easily be simplified when we gain insight into the psychology behind this relationship dynamic, a psychotherapist was asked to shed more light on this, in the interview, Jeremy Bergen said "At its heart, gaslighting is emotional abuse,". "It is a tactic used by one partner so as to exert power over, gain control over, and inflict emotional damage on the other." Bergen further weighed in on the term by saying, "Gaslighting is such a malicious form of emotional abuse because it causes you to question your experiences, so it can be difficult to identify the warning signs." We inquired for further break down on the psychology behind gaslighting in relationships, and Bergen further clarified on how to identify the warning signs, how to understand the reasoning behind this behavior, and the next steps to take when such situations occur.

The Red Flags of Gaslighting
We start with the warning signs that reveals the presence of gaslighting in a relationship

• They make you question your perception of reality.

The major psychological sign is that "your partner challenges your perception of situations, of yourself, of your thoughts, of your feelings, of their behavior," explains Bergen. "One of the big warning signs is this persistent sense that what you saw, you didn't really see. And what you experienced, you didn't really experience. What you felt, you didn't really feel." It simply makes you really question what is happening around you

• They persistently lie to you.

Secondly, Bergen stated that "Their lies are designed to be manipulative for control." So to help yourself out of this situation, if you think your partner may be gaslighting you, Bergen suggests you ask yourself certain questions and find answers to them, the questions include: Does my partner consistently make me question my thoughts and experience of things? Do I really catch them in lies?

• They make you feel insecure by breaking you down.

To gain absolute control over the other individual, making them feel insecure and exploiting it by breaking such individual down is another common red flag that signifies gaslighting. To help conclude if your partner is breaking you down, Bergen suggests asking yourself these questions, Am I been told things designed to make me feel bad? Is the level of criticism pervasive and going towards same thing consistently?
Finally, Bergen also stated that they try to alienate you from people who care about you and this is a move to absolutely control you.

Check Out: Signs it's time to end a Relationship

Understanding the Reasoning behind this Behavior
There are wide varieties of reasons why people seek power and control in relationships, so understanding the reasoning behind this behavior may vary from case to case. However, there are a few common patterns in gaslighting as pointed out by Bergen and they includes:

• They believe this is the only way to sustain the relationship: To some people, gaslighting is a way to try to keep somebody in a relationship with you. Although it is done in a very abusive way, there's this notion that this is the only way to sustain the relationship," says Bergen.

• Some people simply feel better about themselves by having control over someone else: "Occassionally, the genuine sense of, 'If I'm controlling other people, then I feel better about where I'm at,' and that search for power is something that expresses itself in the relationship," explains Bergen.

• They just enjoy the power and control: Lastly, Bergen states that there's "a decent amount of research that shows there are people who genuinely find pleasure in having control over others." So naturally, there are people who just feel better having power over and controlling other people.

The Next Step
When these signs are noticed and since we already know the psychological reasoning behind gaslighting, Bergen further clarified the next steps to follow when these red flags are noticed.

Read Also: How to End a Relationship

When you feel you're being gaslit, it is advised not to talk to your partner about it, because they will tell you that what you're seeing isn't what you're actually seeing. They will try to maintain control in the power dynamic. So when you feel gaslit, do not approach your partner about it, instead "create space internally, mentally, emotionally, and then externally,” internally, if you feel like you're being gaslit, make the commitment to yourself that you do not have to question your thoughts, feelings, perceptions about anything.
Assure yourself that this is a choice that you make as an individual to reassess a situation that nobody is allowed to re-narrate for you. And externally, engage with people outside the relationship, simply make plans with friends or family members you haven't seen in a while, and engage in activities that you love to reconnect with yourself.

I hope you now recognize the meaning of gaslighting and the reasoning behind it? Well follow the simple steps listed above in order to recover from it. I hope this guide was helpful?